Halloween Special: TCM for the Zombie Invasion


Well, it was bound to happen eventually. Hordes of shambling zombies have risen up and overwhelmed human civilization. Now the smallest advantage can mean the difference between life and a horrible, stumbling undeath. Whether you’re reading this in a boarded up house near a cemetery, a barricaded shopping mall a re-purposed prison or even from inside a walled and seemly safe, sane and functional community I hope these tips will give you edge you need to stay one step ahead of the walking dead.

Self Portrait As A Stressed-Out Bride To Be by Brittney Bush via flickrStress Reduction: Before the dead rose up against the living high stress meant stiff shoulders, poor sleep, digestive problems, lowered immunity and slower healing. It can also cause poor judgment, an inability to concentrate and impaired memory. These symptoms were bad enough when you were just managing a Kinko’s, but now you’re needing to remember escape routes and cache locations rather than shift schedules or meeting minutes. Before, poor judgment just meant ordering the Insta-Bake Oven and Hair Styler 2000tm for three easy payments of $29.99 at three in the morning, now a lapse in judgment or concentration could lead to you and everyone you love being devoured.

Fortunately Chinese Medicine is here to help. We’re going to focus on the auricular treatment for stress since ear points leave you free to fight or flee if a sudden emergency arises. This needling protocol is commonly used by Acupuncturists Without Borders volunteers providing free stress-reduction treatments in the wake of a natural disaster. The treatment consists of five ear points:

NADA Points

  • Sympathetic: This point helps balance the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, moving the body out of the fight or flight response and back into rest and digest mode.
  • Shen Men: This point provides a sensation of mental relaxation.
  • Lung, Liver and Kidney: These points work together to promote the elimination of toxins from the body—a process that is often disrupted by chronic stress.

Consider this treatment not only for yourself, but also that one member of your group who keeps snapping at others and spending far too much time polishing his weapons. If you’re unfortunate enough to not have access to needles, gentle self-massage of the ears can have a similarly beneficial effect.

Acute Low Back Pain: Between constructing hasty, desperate barricades and swinging machetes or sledgehammers for extended periods of time you’re likely to have put a lot of strain on your lower back. It can be difficult to remember to use proper lifting technique when a ravening horde of your former friends and neighbors are closing in around you, but nothing can sabotage your chances of survival faster than a strained back. Avoiding the shambling hordes is a lot tougher, after all, if you’re shambling yourself.

Lumbar Pair Points via acupunctureschoolonline.comFor acute back pain our go-to points are going to be a pair of points collectively called Yao Tong Xue which literally translates as “Low Back Pain Point.” As you can see from the illustration, these points are located between the 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th metacarpal on each hand. If you’ve strained your back these points should be considerable tender on palpation. As you stimulate the points, either with needles or by pressing on them, begin to walk around. Gently move your spine through your full range of motion and continue to stimulate the points. You should experience a considerable improvement in mobility and a decrease in pain after just a few minutes of movement and stimulation.

Well the splintering crash from downstairs means I need to go shore up my defenses. May this message find you safe and well and remember: Destroy the Brain or Remove the Head.

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